What am I doing here? Alternative therapy. My summer ahead is going to be an interesting journey and writing about it might help me! I’m really keen on finding someone out there in a similar situation to me as well. I’m 32 and my husband is on dialysis and is currently battling cancer for a second time which has also coincided with us starting the IVF process. I am currently drinking copious amounts of beer not only to get the confidence to post this but also because I like drinking beer. This is what poured out of me this morning:
Last night he flipped a coin,
Tails or heads
It feels like a gun to his head,
What can I say?
Die doing nothing
Die on the machine
Die under the knife
Eventually, it’ll take his life
Should death bring new life
A part of him left behind
But to do it alone
No longer a wife
But a widow
Will the kid mind?
Dark corners in my mind
My secrets tucked away
The devil on his shoulder, it winks
Tempting me into temptation
Welcoming me to hell
But that’s cool, I’ll just keep walking through
Dancing while I do
Till I find my beating heart again
And find my way back to you
I thought about death all the time
In the past there were days
I looked at my wrists in different ways
But now death stares back at me
I was a fucking idiot
Just let life be
I now try to be free
From all those dark corners
Keeping positive on repeat, keep to that beat
Or else defeat
You’ll spiral into a hole … deep and trapped
Avoid the dark hole … that’s the goal
I’m not scared to be alone
But I’m scared for the day I have to delete his name from my phone
Will he wait for me … up there … in the air?
Even though I will linger here …. Out of fear
Of what’s up there … and missing out on what’s down here
But until that day comes
Fuck it I’m not going to think about him being dead
No regrets, No looking back, just an awesome summer ahead
Let me explain as simply as my mind allows.
5 years ago, a couple of days after a rather massive new years’ eve involving all sorts of fun stuff, my husband thought either he had partied too hard and hurt his lower back or he had kidney stones. Turns out it was a massive tumour on his kidney, he had cancer. A rare cancer that according to the doctor on average only 1 New Zealander gets a year. My husband was the 1 out of 4.47 million. He had a better chance at winning lotto which is 1 in 3.83 million. The surgeon said he removed his left kidney which had a tumour attached to it the size and shape of an actual baby. Fuck. Following recovery, he went on to have some pretty hard core Chemotherapy. The doctor somehow eloquently likened Chemo to weed killer. He survived the weed killer and came out cancer free. We went back to living life, we travelled overseas and had all sorts of adventures.
Blissfully unaware that 2 years after being cancer free he would go into renal failure as the Chemo he had, the weed killer, had destroyed his remaining kidney. My nana always said you can’t get rid of weeds. The Doctors could not explain why it deteriorated so quickly but he would be on dialysis for life. Fuck. We had no choice but to settle into dialysis life, accepting the fact life will be a little slower. We maintained a normal life, well we made it normal for us. We again start new adventures, albeit in NZ.
Blissfully unaware 3 years after renal failure another smaller tumour would be found in the same place as his last one. The cancer was back. Fuck. Oh and just before it returned we had been looking into IVF. Things change so often in our lives we have learnt to just roll with the punches so we concentrate on beating cancer again. Radiation shrinks the tumour and it becomes dormant but it is still in a precarious position so the doctor presents a surgery to get rid of it. My husband’s biggest fear is dying on the table or dying in hospital so when the surgeon indicated that there was a high risk of dying on the table, about 9%, he decided to turn it down. Instead opting to enjoy the summer ahead, as much as one can while on dialysis! He made that decision last week so will now have scans every 2 months and if the cancer becomes active again we will talk about surgery options then. I am forever in awe of that man and what he can handle.
Which now leaves me wondering do we still do IVF or say Fuck IVF? I have always had the ability to be able to see both sides of everything. It makes me terrible at making decisions. Even the easy ones like choosing a flavour of ice cream. When I allow it, my mind battles away on whether IVF is right for us. I’m not consumed by it but the reality is we do have to make a conscious decision on whether we bring a new life into our crazy but beautiful life.
All I know is for now, I’m just thankful and happy my husband’s still here and still willing to have some summer adventures with his crazy wife and hypo dog! Maybe I’ll take the summer to think about it … another top notch quality I possess… procrastination!